Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
