I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this beer tastes like vomit already
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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