Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
