Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
