D3 body, D1 cock
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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