All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We need to get me chipped asap
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
