i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
