just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
