Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
