He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
