I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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