Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
