she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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