I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
