I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
