Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
