i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
