I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
