Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
