i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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