I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
