I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
