Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
