I wish you could order shots online.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
