Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
