hotel room ftw
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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