Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
