I wish I could punch you in the face.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
