Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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