dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
