Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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