So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
