I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
