a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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