I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
