I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
