yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
