I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
