I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
