Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
