M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
