She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
