Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
