your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
