Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
