I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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