Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize