Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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