I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize