I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
