She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
