just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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