he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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