I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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