roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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