I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
