We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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