my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
